DBT 5: Being Effective - Doing What Works

Lesson 5: Being Effective - Doing What Works

The goal of this lesson is to focus on being effective -- to focus on doing what works, rather than what is "right" versus "wrong" or "fair" versus "unfair."  Another way to think of it is as the opposite of "cutting off your nose to spite your face." In our study of mindfulness as it applies to DBT Skills, we have looked at: states of mind (reasonable/wise/emotion mind), the mindfulness "what" skills (observing, describing, participating), and two of the mindfulness "how" skills (taking a nonjudgmental stance, focusing on one thing in the moment).  We will now add the third mindfulness "how" skill:  Being Effective. This is directed at reducing our tendency at times to be more concerned with what is "right" than with doing what is actually needed or called for in a particular situation.

“A central issue for many of us is whether we can indeed trust our own perceptions judgments, and decisions -- that is, whether we can expect our own actions to be correct or "right."  However, taken to an extreme, an emphasis on principles over outcome can often result in our being disappointed or alienating others. In the end, everyone has to "give in" some of the time.  It can be much easier to give up being right for being effective when we view it as a skillful response.” (see Marsha Linehan, p. 64-65)

It seems that Effectiveness is often tied up with “Radical Acceptance,” one of the Distress Tolerance skills we will learn about. I don’t have to like the situation or agree with the other person. Even if I am right and the other person is clearly “wrong,” it might be most effective to let it go. In order to help me achieve an effective outcome and maintain balance, I can radically accept the situation. It’s all about economy of energy and overall effectiveness. Sometimes, it’s worth losing a battle to win the war. You have an overall objective in each encounter.  Keep that in mind, and let that objective help to guide your responses.

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Exercises

·  Do you remember the last time you "cut off your nose to spite your face" just to make a point? Have you ever played by the rules to get something you really needed, e.g.,  health care for yourself or another family member? How did that feel at the time?  (Perhaps you felt like you were sacrificing some of your self-respect for the sake of achieving your objective.)   How do you feel about it now? (Perhaps you feel like you acted effectively.)

·  Are there situations in your life right now where vengeance, useless anger or righteousness are keeping your from being effective?