DBT 3: Nonjudgmental Stance Solidifies Your Goal Oriented Direction =B A L A N C E
The Nonjudgmental Stance is the last of the “What” skills in the Mindfulness Module of DBT and is an important piece of DBT’s foundation and Zen Buddhism. As you practice the nonjudgmental stance, you will become more understanding and less reactive. You will also be able to use the stance to deescalate emotional situations. Acting without judgment becomes an anchor in your equilibrium and allows you to be more strategic and act more effectively by keeping balanced (ultimate goal).
First was Observe, in which we paid attention to ourselves, our environment, and others around us. When observing, the trick was to just notice things like, “I notice I’m thinking about the future,” or “I notice my pulse is faster when I’m talking to Amy.”
Next was Describe, in which we would put words on the things we observed. Some people described very simple things like washing the dishes or going for a walk, but found that by describing, they felt like they were better able to pay attention to the present moment.
Next was Participate, where we allowed ourselves to be completely immersed in the moment, focusing in a way that made us forget everything else.
Nonjudgmental Stance is the platform from which we base all of our Wise Mind actions. We are conditioned to placing judgments on our observations. To use the examples above, I may notice that I’m thinking about the future, but it’s likely my next thought will be something like, “I’m not doing DBT correctly since I’m thinking about the future. Therefore I am bad or wrong or incompetent.” This is a judgment of the observation and it is not helpful.
The point of taking a nonjudgmental stance is to give ourselves an opportunity to think differently about things we normally observe observe the same old things in our environment or about other people. If I withhold my judgment about what it means to think about the future, and simply observe it, note it and let the thought move away, I have an opportunity to treat myself more gently – even positively. When I still have a judgmental thought (we’re human!), I can observe that I had the thought, then let it go. That’s the beauty of nonjudgmental stance; all the negative information we’re so used to processing is suddenly cut off and a gentleness takes over.
If you consider another observation, “I notice my pulse is faster when I’m talking to Amy,” we can see how the nonjudgmental stance can change a potentially volatile situation into a healing moment in which I can learn something about myself. My temptation is to think, “my pulse is faster because she’s rotten and I can’t stand listening to her and now she’s yelling at me because she hates me” and so I react and get defensive. Instead, I take a step back, let her have her moment and I just listen. I don’t take on her emotions, I merely observe. And somehow, the entire situation feels different. “Healing is just a different way of seeing.” We want to break this reactive cycle before it begins by doing our best to experience without judgment.
The nonjudgmental stance is especially impactful when applied to complex observations and descriptions of emotions but it’s good to practice with more benign things like taking a nonjudgmental stance about everyday events like a walk in the park, etc.
First was Observe, in which we paid attention to ourselves, our environment, and others around us. When observing, the trick was to just notice things like, “I notice I’m thinking about the future,” or “I notice my pulse is faster when I’m talking to Amy.”
Next was Describe, in which we would put words on the things we observed. Some people described very simple things like washing the dishes or going for a walk, but found that by describing, they felt like they were better able to pay attention to the present moment.
Next was Participate, where we allowed ourselves to be completely immersed in the moment, focusing in a way that made us forget everything else.
Nonjudgmental Stance is the platform from which we base all of our Wise Mind actions. We are conditioned to placing judgments on our observations. To use the examples above, I may notice that I’m thinking about the future, but it’s likely my next thought will be something like, “I’m not doing DBT correctly since I’m thinking about the future. Therefore I am bad or wrong or incompetent.” This is a judgment of the observation and it is not helpful.
The point of taking a nonjudgmental stance is to give ourselves an opportunity to think differently about things we normally observe observe the same old things in our environment or about other people. If I withhold my judgment about what it means to think about the future, and simply observe it, note it and let the thought move away, I have an opportunity to treat myself more gently – even positively. When I still have a judgmental thought (we’re human!), I can observe that I had the thought, then let it go. That’s the beauty of nonjudgmental stance; all the negative information we’re so used to processing is suddenly cut off and a gentleness takes over.
If you consider another observation, “I notice my pulse is faster when I’m talking to Amy,” we can see how the nonjudgmental stance can change a potentially volatile situation into a healing moment in which I can learn something about myself. My temptation is to think, “my pulse is faster because she’s rotten and I can’t stand listening to her and now she’s yelling at me because she hates me” and so I react and get defensive. Instead, I take a step back, let her have her moment and I just listen. I don’t take on her emotions, I merely observe. And somehow, the entire situation feels different. “Healing is just a different way of seeing.” We want to break this reactive cycle before it begins by doing our best to experience without judgment.
The nonjudgmental stance is especially impactful when applied to complex observations and descriptions of emotions but it’s good to practice with more benign things like taking a nonjudgmental stance about everyday events like a walk in the park, etc.
What Does It Mean to Judge an Observation?
± Observation = I notice that I am feeling sad.
± Observation and Description = I notice that the corners of my mouth are turned down, my jaw muscles are tense, my eyelids seem heavy. I notice that I am tired and feel like I could cry. I notice that there is an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach.
± Judgment = Sadness is a bad emotion. When I am sad I am bad. Something is wrong with me because I feel sad.
± Nonjudgmental Stance = Sadness is an emotion. It is not good or bad. The fact that I exhibit the symptoms I associate with sadness does not make me a bad person, nor is experiencing the emotion a good or a bad thing. It simply is. Right now, I am experiencing
sadness, that’s all. It’s okay to feel sad.
± Possible results = When I judge the sadness, I am more likely to react negatively to it by acting out with destructive behavior. When I do not judge the sadness, I am more likely to experience the emotion until it dissipates.
± Observation and Description = I notice that the corners of my mouth are turned down, my jaw muscles are tense, my eyelids seem heavy. I notice that I am tired and feel like I could cry. I notice that there is an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach.
± Judgment = Sadness is a bad emotion. When I am sad I am bad. Something is wrong with me because I feel sad.
± Nonjudgmental Stance = Sadness is an emotion. It is not good or bad. The fact that I exhibit the symptoms I associate with sadness does not make me a bad person, nor is experiencing the emotion a good or a bad thing. It simply is. Right now, I am experiencing
sadness, that’s all. It’s okay to feel sad.
± Possible results = When I judge the sadness, I am more likely to react negatively to it by acting out with destructive behavior. When I do not judge the sadness, I am more likely to experience the emotion until it dissipates.
Exercises
1. The next time you do a mundane task, try observing and describing as you complete the task. Notice when your mind begins to make a judgment. Do not get caught up in the judgment or the fact that you’ve made one. Just notice that your mind is judging and let the judgment go. See if you can continue to pay attention in more circumstances: like when you judge an observation, like when you see someone at the office or across the street or your dog greets you at the door. The point is to begin noticing when you judge what you observe so that you can begin to see what it feels like and gain skill in catching yourself in judging observations.
2. See if you can observe and describe in more emotionally charged situations. Remember to notice your judgments, but not get caught up in them. Notice the judgment in the same way that you notice tone of voice, for instance. See if it is easier to let go of volatile reactions when you withhold judgments. Part of observing is also withholding assumptions. Describe your observations to the other person. “I’m noticing that you are raising your voice. Why are you doing this?” Does the situation seem different to you? Are you seeing it in another way? Is the other way more healing?
2. See if you can observe and describe in more emotionally charged situations. Remember to notice your judgments, but not get caught up in them. Notice the judgment in the same way that you notice tone of voice, for instance. See if it is easier to let go of volatile reactions when you withhold judgments. Part of observing is also withholding assumptions. Describe your observations to the other person. “I’m noticing that you are raising your voice. Why are you doing this?” Does the situation seem different to you? Are you seeing it in another way? Is the other way more healing?
November 6 – Enjoying Life
Today, I will do something fun, something I enjoy, something just for me. I will take responsibility for making myself feel good. From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment